I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
cat food counts as protein by the way
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Randomize
