How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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