just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
