I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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