one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sorry about my life...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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