You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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