Just fell off a train. Bad.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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