i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
