Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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