someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
