We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
