I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
