Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
