when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
