I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
