Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
