There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
