at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
