Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
