I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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