i will never coherently bang her
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
