the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
