wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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