Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
