I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
