You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
