You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
