he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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