I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
