I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
