Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
