last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
