I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
