I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
