he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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