she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
