Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
