I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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