sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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