It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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