im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
