I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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