I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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