Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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