Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
