just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
