Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
