i can't believe i had my finger in that
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
