Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
