I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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